The Funny Thing About Attention...

The Funny Thing About Attention

So the other day I was walking my dog and then enter Junior.

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

“I kind of busy here,” I say as I look down at my dog and try to tug her along.

“Can I ask you a question?  What’s your name?”

I couldn’t even lie about my name; it was stitched into my line jacket.

“I’m Junior.”

Of course you are, you’re Jamaican.  Most male yardies (Jamaicans) are named after their father and in turn are called Junior.

I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there that feels unpretty every so often. Truth be told only ugly women never feel unattractive. Ugly people seem to have this false sense of beauty.  But I digress... I go through my bouts of insecurity where I think I’m unattractive and undesirable; it usually happens when I have stop dating someone or I noticed that I haven’t been hit on in awhile.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go about my day wishes that someone would hit on me, but attention from the opposite sex is reaffirming.  Anyone that says different is lying.

 So what do I do when I’m feeling unattractive, no one hits on me for a few days, and all of a sudden someone does?  I brush him off of course.  I mean, seriously, no good can come from entertaining a pick up when you are in an unpretty mood.  Who’s to say that you didn’t just give in to the weak pickup because the attention had a numbing affect on your senses?

The funny thing about attention is, you want it until you get it.  Once you get it, you don’t want it anymore.  This could be for several reasons.  The most obvious of which is, you want the attention but you didn’t want attention from that person.  Other reasons include… who am I kidding?  That’s the only reason that matters in this post.  You got what you wanted just not from who you wanted it from.  So the problem isn’t in the getting, it’s in the accepting.  If all we wanted was attention to dispel the doubts about our attractiveness then we would never have them.  Like my pole dancing instructor said, “Somebody wants it, I guarantee, that somebody wants it.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  I want attention from someone that will make me forget my rules and reservations, not someone that makes me hide being my proper and sometimes uptight façade.

Lies I've Told Myself (started months ago...)

I have these moments of naked vulnerability that produces sound, insightful and entertaining blog entries.  I don’t know if this will be one of those times but I’ll try to remain uncloaked throughout this entry.  This blog was started at the twilight of last year (2011) and I couldn't bring myself to finish or post but here is is...

So on to the blog.  Three things… lies I’ve told myself.

I could have a male friend:  I lied to myself… I made a fool of me.  Earlier this year I wrote a blog about lies I no longer believe and even though I came to the very real realization that men and women cannot be best friends I still perpetuated the lie by refusing to let go of guy friends that weren’t really friends, one in particular.  But how do you let go when it’s so easy to relapse?   I’ve never had any addictions and have always been able to let go of things I felt was becoming something that I was overindulging in... but not this.  This is a person, a friend, a lover (once upon a time, well quite a few times), a support system, and a lifeline.  Although he fits all of those descriptions, something he isn’t and I don’t think could ever be is a boyfriend or future husband and knowing that means I know that I can’t really grow or find a boyfriend or future husband with him in my life to the extent he's been.  I know that if I called him he would always come, therein lays the problem.  He always comes when I call.  I have the power to decide whether or not he’s a part of my life and even though I’ve cut him out for weeks, months, even years of my life I still know he’ll be there when I call.  Even when I say things that are hurtful he’s still there.  It’s this weird interdependency that keeps us both from truly finding someone.  So how, pray tell, do I avoid the awkward moments like going to see Friends with Benefits on the anniversary of day I lost my virginity to the person who was once my sometimes friend with benefits who also happen to have taken my virginity?  He’s not my friend, he’s my anchor.  So although I've cut certain things out of our friendship, he's sill and will always be a good friend.  The thing is, he has to be a friend from a distance and I have to create the needed space.  You let go by doing just that, letting go.  It's the easiest and hardest thing to do.  Who ever came up with that out of sight, out of mind crap was full of... well crap.  It has to first be out of mind... Male friends that were once more than a friend could never be.

I could have it all:  The truth of the matter is no one can have it all.  I can’t be a master of all trades; I can’t be a modern day renaissance woman.  I can be the master of many trades and a jack of the rest but I can’t be all and have all.  I’ll leave this year (2011) having know all types of disappointments because I've been somewhat spoiled by my blessings and lack of risk taking.  The truth is you can't have it all at the same time.  So I'm working out the balance needed to have as much as possible without letting too many things (mostly myself) suffer.

What they think doesn't matter:  Don't get me wrong this does not apply to the masses, it applies to family.  So you know how family is always the ones to hurt you the most and love you the most.  I woke up to the realization that what they think matters but what you do with that knowledge matters more.  There comes a time when you make new family and let go of the bitter disappointment the one before caused you.  You start to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be. 

Signed,
Let go to let yourself grow

"Wake Up"

I ran away today


kicked the covers off
tossed and turned
threw the pillows on the floor

I ran away today

one leg hangs
brunched up clothes
strangle restless limbs

I tried to run away today

escape tormented me
ran away from me
chased me away

I tried to run away today
as the size of the bed
the survival instinct of my body
kept me captive
I ran out of room

the boundary of my should have been
infinite imagination
bounded me up
I ran out of time
I chased but I was eluded
I ran but I was trapped
So I opened my eyes

I ran away today

Poem: constant dream state?

Constant Dream State?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord will keep
the nightmares at bay
let not my mind stray
to dark thoughts and painful sights
let not the darkness banish my inner light
surrounded and stalked by the dead and dying
I wake from unresolved confrontations, crying
unadjusted eyes take in common place items
but a confused mind sends flight signals
heart jumps and gallops on
thumping, thumping
thump, thump, thump
against a tight chest
the lungs behind my breast
pulls in air that’s not quite enough to fill the space
constricted wind pipe cuts off a scream
a tiny yelp escapes
air wheezes in through nose and out through mouth
a dull ache encloses a tender head prone to migraines

Now I lay awake
I pray the Lord will take
away the cripplingly fear
stop the silent tears
that leaves salty trails on damp cheeks
let not the trembling leave me weak
surrounded by emptiness
no allies in or out of dreams
unfulfilled desires take a backseat
but manifest its self in sleep
when I’m most vulnerable
when I let down my guard
where I open myself up to the universe
inviting rest from the pressure of polished pretenses
face soft from the slackness of muscles in rest
eyelids covering soul bearing eyes
body sighing as weight is released to the bed below
comfort no longer found on the queen sized mattress
thoughts at war with each other whirl around
attacked my monsters in dreams and my thoughts when awake

*I fully believe that no poem is ever finished just abandoned.  I can write on for days...

Three Things… Lies I No Longer Believe

So I like things in threes, I blame my obsession with three on baseball and American society in general. You know we always hear things like: “3 strikes, you’re out” and “third time’s the charm.” Then there’s the biblical reference to the trinity. But enough with my affinity with three…

Today I want to talk about three lies I no longer believe as they relate to matters of sex the heart . Once upon a time I believed these lies. I must admit I was young and naïve even idealistic then my Virgo tendencies took over and idealism went out the window to be replaced with realism and a touch of pessimism which stems from the need for order and something close to perfection. So yea, I’m a Virgo and screw the new zodiac chart! Me, a Leo? Get the F out of here. But I digress. So yea, I was once young, naïve, idealistic and somewhat of a romantic.

Lie #1: Men and women can be friends after being more than friends- In all honesty, it is very hard for men and women just to be friends.  In Let's Be Friends, RCLS breaks down his definition of platonic...

I think to answer this question, you first have to answer the question of whether or not males and females can truly be platonic friends.  (Platonic – a friendship where one party wouldn’t f*ck the daylights out of the other party if given the opportunity).   Perhaps in college where you have a larger circle of friends that you actually kick it with, it’s more likely to have a platonic friend here or there (read: person you have not had a chance to f*ck yet).  But as time passes and your inner circle gets whittled down to a select few, it’s more likely that any folks of the opposite sex that you frequently interact with are either professional contacts,  romantic interests or a friend of a friend (read: f*cked/f*ckin’ one of your peoples).

It's true.  I thought it was possible to be friends with exes and with guys.  It's not that easy.  With exes it's always this weird tension going on where one party still thinks they can do the other person.  The other party doesn't want to be done and the friendship is weird and awkward.  I understood that but the male/female friendship thing hit me in 2010.  don't get me wrong, I have male friends but they fall into one of the aforementioned categories or the you're like family category.

Lie #2- There are plenty of fish in the sea- This is just plain bullsh*t.  I use to believe it though.  I thought that I had a lot of options when it came to the opposite sex.  But it's just not true.  First let's cut out the obvious- the guys that are taken, the guys that are gay, the guys that aren't doing anything with their lives (the hustlin' guy because I'm not visiting you in jail), the guys that don't find me attractive (hey, I can't be every guy's type), and the guys I don't find attractive.  Let's say that leaves me with half (really, way less than half) the sea.  I now have to take out the guys that know a guy that I've dated (because it can get all types of complicated), guys that dated one of my female friends, and the guys that are too far away to truly make it work.  Now that leaves me with less that 20-25% of the sea.  Insert my personal non-negotiable and I'm down to about 10-15% 5%.  So with that said there's about 10-15% 5% and who is to say that I'll run into the available fish.  So yea there are few fish in the sea.

Lie #3- Single life is not lonely- Don't get mad at me for this.  I'm single and I'm thoroughly enjoying it but... it gets lonely sometimes.  What more can I say.  I'm not lonely but there are those nights days when the companionship of a steady partner is needed.  I'm going to enjoy the single life and live it up but it's not how I want to remain.

So what are some lies you no longer believe?  Am I off-base with any of my lies?  Coming soon:  Three Things... Things I want to do before I die.  Three Things... Fantasies that I want to play out.

Signed,
Me, Myself and I

The last decade (2000-2010)

Today marks not only the end of a year, but it also marks the end of a decade.  Ten years have come and gone and during those ten years I’ve done and learned a lot.  I went from a child to a teenager to a young adult to an adult.  So many changes and periods of immeasurable growth filled these past ten years for me.  From lows to highs and everything in between.  As I look back over the years, I can honestly say that I would chance a lot of things if I could but it wouldn’t make a difference because the same thing would have happened in a different form or fashion.  I was meant to be the person I am and had those things not happen, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.  I like to think of myself as a woman on the rise.  By no means have I reached my full potential but I’m working on it.

I can talk about how many things that occurred in this decade.  I will talk some about those things but what I really want to focus on is the four big lessons I learned through trial and error.  June 2010 marked the 10^th anniversary of me running away from home.  I had many firsts: more than any other decade of my life can compete with.  I graduated four times: high school, college, and graduate school twice.  I went through breakups and heart breaks.  I lost loved ones and gained loved ones.  All that and more and the four most important lessons for me are as follows…

Ask for help:  I now have Netflix and I saw this movie with Sandra Bullock called 28 Days.  In it she is in rehab for her drinking problem.  I’m this particular rehab you can be assigned to where a sign around your neck as a part of your therapy/treatment.  Her sign read:  Confront me if I don’t ask for help.  A sign like that should have been hanging around my neck for the better part of this past decade.  I didn’t ask for help and tried my very best, succeeding 95% of the time, to not sure that I needed help.  It’s a hard road trying to do it on your own.  Even though I didn’t ask for help I had people, namely my sister, give me help and advice unsolicited.  I learned to ask for help and not be hurt if I was denied it because in all honestly that the reason I was afraid to ask in the first place.

It takes more than one:  You cannot make things work on your own.  Life is a group activity.  Whether we think so or not life is defined by the connections we make with each other.  One person cannot make a friendship, romance, work relationship, any relationship work.   The more that one person tries the more that one person suffers.

Giving up is not quitting:  The last lesson leads right into this one.  Sometimes giving up is the best thing to do.  It makes no sense trying to hold on to something or do something that is not good for you.  I’ve tried and caused myself many a heartaches and long periods where I was so sick and weak that it’s no wonder that I suffer from some of the ailments that I do.  The most significant because of the time frame is migraines.  I’ve suffered from migraines since 2002.

Family is not always blood, but blood is always family:  The singer Maxwell tweeted this line and it perfectly sums up the lesson I learned.  Some of the people I considered to be my closest family isn’t even related to me, friend and family friends.  I have some family members that are more enemies that family.  I have family that doesn't talk to me before they don't talk to my sister or my mother.  Then I have some family members that would steal my identity, yep it happened.  Some that will pull weapons on me, yep it’s happened.  And other still that would see me burn alive before wasting their saliva to spit on me.  But they are my family and for the most part I despise love them.

So to sum up, life is a learning process and I’m glad 2000-2010 has taught me so much.  What have you learned about life?  About yourself?  About people around you?  What are your take aways for the past decade?

Signed,

It is the struggle that strengthens...

Life's one certainty...

There is only one thing is life that is certain to happen and that’s death. No one has learned to escape death and why would you want to even if you can. Everyone you love will perish and live you to your lonesome. It’s like that scene from the Lord of the Rings, where the Elf Princess is in love with the knight and she has a vision of their life together. He dies, she lives, she’s sad because she outlives him and all their children. Who wants to be alive when everything you love isn’t? I suppose you could say that you’ll find new people to love but who would want to go through the pain and agony of losing loved ones over and over again?

Why do I bring up the certainty of death? Well, because someone asked me the following question: “If you could choose how you die, what three ways would you choose?” Despite being morbid, this question was very thought provoking. Out of the infinite ways one can pass from living to non-living, how would I choose to do it? Before I tell you the three ways I chose let talk about the reason behind such a morbid question. Keep in mind that this question was asked as a conversation starter, over wine, between a few people. The conversation it sparked was beyond interesting. You got a glimpse into how people think and how they live or want to live their lives. Most people want to die as they lived or die in a manner totally opposite of how they lived. On the other side when people question or challenge your choices reveal a lot about what they value.

So my three ways…


Quietly in my sleep at an old age: What does this say about me? It could say different things. But what I think and what others thought when I said it was that I’m a boring person or I choose to live life obscurely, not making a wave. Dying of old age in a quiet manner reminds me of the novel, The Giver, where when you reach a certain age you go into a room (thinking you’re going to a great place) and they inject you and you quietly die. Disappearing from the community, becoming a faint memory, and eventually it’s like you never existed.


Execution style (single bullet in the back of the head):  This is like the epitome of death.  You know it is coming but it still catches you by surprise and before you realize what just happened, boom, you're dead.  This method is dependent upon doing something that warrants it.  So you have to think what did she do to deserve being shot in the head.  It brings a little dangerous to me.

During childbirth:  The ultimate sacrifice.   A life for a life.  I don't have children now but I am looking forward to the day when I do have children.  I believe that part of the reason I am who I am is to bring forth life (with the help of a man, of course).  This method caused a lot of talk.  I'm not saying that I would to die, I'm saying that if the choice was there- my life or my child's life, I would give my life for that of my child.

So there it is, my three choices.  What are yours and why?  Although death is certain, we don't know when it will come, so live in the moment.  There have been times when I got stuck just existing as oppose to living and enjoying life. After watching the movie Up (one of the deepest animated movies I've ever seen) I fully intend to fill my memory (memory book in the movie but I'm not much for scrap booking, maybe one day) with adventures.  From the extreme to the mundane.

Signed,
We're living dangerously (like Barrington Levy)